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  Lama Gyatsho ask her, ‘So, you are in samsara?’ Anna did not seem to understand. ‘Like prison,’ say Lama Gyatsho. ‘Everyday doing the same thing. Trapped. Like that. You understand?’

  Anna nodded, and Lama Gyatsho show for her to sit down, then he sit down also. ‘To have good mind you should not,’ [pause; something is being demonstrated] ‘Like that…Not…not grasp.’ Lama Gyatsho show her by slap on his own face. ‘Not even the dharma. Should be natural.’ Then stroke his face. Like this. [patting sound] ‘Should be gentle. Dharma should be gentle. You understand. No such thing as mistakes. Just karma.’

  I was still sick at that time. Aspect of illness, anyway. Start coughing. Anna reach out to touch me, then Lama Gyatsho have to explain that woman cannot touch monk. Even sick monk. Then he ask her why she comes to see us.

  Anna tell us she just have a feeling. She had a lot of feelings actually, all the time. That was one thing I remember about her.

  ‘Perhaps you will like some dharma?’ say Lama Gyatsho, and she nod, and he say, ‘Yes, I think so.’

  Dharma gives complete understanding of mind. Necessary for enlightenment. Think of samsara like a hallucination in desert. Imaginary oasis. Believe the water is real, so strong, our attachment to that water. Person who has realised emptiness sees the appearance of water but understands it is a mirage. There is not one drop of the water there. Like that. We are living in the mouth of death. Like the mouse in the mouth of cat. Frog in the mouth of a snake. The robes of monks and nuns are to remember that. We are all of us dying. All the time. Stop killing is the minimum thing. Not even insects. Don’t put your big feet on tiny fragile insect—bang!—like that. Very important rule. Not killing causes big change in you. Our hands, our beautiful hands are meant for peace, not violence. Yet can become weapons. Can destroy the world, so easy.

  It is very painful what has happened to you in this lifetime, Lama Gyatsho tell Anna. Say that she is very brave but has burned off much negative karma. Good for mental continuum.

  Then Anna tell us that she is not brave, that she refuse to see suffering of others. ‘Wilfully ignorant,’ is the words she use and she say people die because. You know, that was a very important point Anna make. Ignorance big problem. Wrong view, things like that. Born with the ignorance we bring from previous life, because never separated from mental continuum. Cease gross defilement, then cease subtle defilement. Have it from beginningless time. More you clear the dust, closer to clear light mind, the more clarity there is. Mind is not one with ignorance or delusions. Mind is pure. Mind has potential.

  That was when Anna gave us the shocking news that she hurt a man bad enough to almost kill him. That is very negative action. Bad karma. Yes. Defiled actions of body, speech, and mind are cyclic. Causes suffering, confusion and more defilement. We say some prayers and Anna say something about self defence but that not mean anything to us. Self defence, not self defence, who cares?

  First thing, must begin purification mantras. The weight of unpurified negative karmic imprints ex…ponential. Also must read Milarepa. He killed 999 people, so actually very bad man, terribly violent. He discovers dharma way, then build house of stone with, you know, with the digging and the lifting and very hard work. Guru rips it down. Milarepa builds house again, guru rips down again. Maybe this happen ten, or hundred or one thousand times. I don’t remember the number. A lot. Burns off bad karma at much faster rate than usual. Hell realms can be experienced here on this earth, but also perhaps over many lifetimes. All that is necessary to improve karma after killing. Then Milarepa begins meditation. Become realised being, a great teacher. So, with very hard work, possible to make amends in this lifetime, become Bodhisattva perhaps. [long pause]

  Possible.

  Soon after that we are living at Anna and Ian’s house with many of her American friends and the child, Ana-Sofia. Very lovely child. That was very unusual situation for monks. We have to get special permission from His Holiness, but he say okay. Things different once we leave Tibet. We must understand the west. It was difficult time because Anna was quite rude, speaking to Lama Gyatsho as if I am not there. Though really ‘I’ am not, huh! [laughs] Humble monk joke that one. [coughs] Anyway, must get on with story. Anna put us in barn made of glass. The green house, that is the name of it. Sometimes I feel the emotion called anger arising and one day I catch Anna’s cat, rub his nose in butter. That bad of me. Should not get angry, and should not blame the cat. Animals very precious sentient beings.

  Lama Gyatsho explain to me that Anna is our opportunity to practise patience. ‘She is our opportunity for control over mind,’ he say.

  Sometimes it was difficult to think of Anna as opportunity because it rain and water dripped on us all night. We move our shrine to a part of the room that’s not so wet. At dinner we eat dry toast and English tea. Not so good as Tibetan tea. Not even good as Indian tea.

  Most nights I meditate. No sleep. There is the suffering of so many sentient beings to consider. I think about the nettles Milarepa was eating to survive. The nettles turned Milarepa green and so sometimes I think I turn brown because of the food I eat, huh! But I let that thought go. I think of the cold clear air and the mountains in the place where the Five Immortal Sisters live, in the land where I grow up. I try to give up the Eight Worldly Reactions. Like Milarepa.

  Every morning Anna walk past the shed in underwear, going to the bathroom. She walk in an old woman and walk out, one hour later, with the aspect of youth. Something to do with the use of special creams. All of that is very unusual and I must ask Lama Gyatsho if there is problem.

  ‘No problem,’ Lama Gyatsho tell me, ‘but pretty funny.’

  Anna become famous and there are always parties. She wanted us to come and meet her guests. Difficult. Her guests always drinking and smoking, and that will break our precepts. So sometimes we go and say hello, then we go back to the greenhouse. One day the Queen of Bhutan was at a party, very interesting woman. One day there was a tall American boy with long blond hair. His name Bhagavan Das. When Anna introduce us to him as her lamas he say, ‘Your Lamas? Heavy trip.’ He smart man. Crazy man, but smart too.

  Bhagavan not sure if he is Hindu or Buddhist. Many westerners like that. Like getting a religion was shopping. You know, I think I go to corner shop now. I think I buy myself good merit. Maybe buy myself a lama. [laughter] He explained he was ‘a Ma freak’, which mean he like Kali. But also the Maharaji gave him a Tibetan mantra. Om Mani Padme Hum. ‘Om contains everything,’ Bhagavan tell us. Actually I knew that already. ‘The beginning and the end. Om is also now.’ That was what he said to us.

  Anyway, when he was talking about these things Anna put some music on. Anna was not so interested in talking to Bhagavan. ‘This is from an album call Revolver,’ she said. ‘It just come out.’ Bhagavan said he did not like the movie going in her head, and ask her why she needed to star in her own movie. Then he left. Anna often having arguments like that. We liked the music she played that day though. [sings]

  I was alone, I take a ride, / I don’t know what I will find there / Another road where maybe I can see another kind of mind there.

  We asked Anna to tell us about the Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger and she played us the song, ‘I can’t get no satisfaction’. But I think the Beatles were better with the dharma. These Rolling Stones sing of the problems of attachment, how it not make you happy, like getting no satisfaction, but actually their music is samsara. I asked Anna who was the Beatle who go to Rikikesh? And she tell me all, but George Harrison the one interested in dharma. That was the first conversation I had with Anna where she did not ignore me.

  After that Lama Gyatsho brought a magazine to teaching to try and understand the west better. ‘I have been checking these pictures out,’ Lama Gyatsho say. He pointed at a photo of a woman in a miniskirt and hair very high on her head. She look like some kind of yogi. [laughter] ‘Do all the women in Los Angeles, in America, dress like this?’ It was Anna who taught us words like ‘checking o
ut’. We liked them very much. Very useful.

  ‘Yes, absolutely,’ she say. ‘That is what the women wear.’

  Lama Gyatsho tell her they have too much hair.

  ‘It’s fashion,’ Anna say. ‘It is call a beehive.’

  ‘You are better without hair,’ Lama Gyatsho say, then ask her to explain what is the meaning of ‘Way Out’.

  ‘“Way out”, that’s something that is unusual,’ Anna tell us. Not so normal, like her friend Ian was way out. Definitely he was way out. I tell her that. She laugh at me and say, ‘To my friends, you are way out.’ Lama Gyatsho laugh at that. Now they both laughing. Then Lama Gyatsho ask about another photo.

  ‘It is a Go Go girl,’ say Anna.

  ‘Go Go? Girl?’ say Lama Gyatsho.

  Anna get up and show him. That was unusual. Students should not dance before their guru. Lama Gyatsho laughing very hard, Anna was being so crazy. I laughed to myself, but not out loud. ‘Go Go,’ he say. ‘Go!’

  On another day of what we called the Western Teachings, Anna brought us a piece of chocolate. I did not eat mine but Lama Gyatsho put a piece in his mouth and chew slowly. When he had finished, he… [clapping sound]

  ‘Do you eat a lot of this chocolate?’ Lama Gyatsho ask Anna, ‘I can see this taste will give cause for attachment. It is…what is the word?’

  ‘Deelicious,’ Anna say. The word is delicious.

  Our teachings, we held them in the back room of the villa. Anna and Lama Gyatsho sat on mats and because I am a tulku I sit on some cushions. Anna hang a Thangka of the Wheel of Life on one wall. Lama Gyatsho hang very special image of Green Tara. It was my job to look after the shrine. That mean every morning I turn the water bowls right side up and fill with water, and arrange fresh flowers. Sometimes Ana-Sofia came with me and I let her light the incense. Very clever, friendly little girl that one. Then, each night I emptied the water bowls and turned them over so it will not seem I am offering nothing. We encouraged Anna to prostrate before that shrine each morning but she was not always so good at doing that because of her parties.

  More than listening to teachings, Anna liked to ask questions, very curious about everything. Very frustrated that we did not talk so much about ourselves. Anna liked very much to talk about herself.

  ‘Tell me about yourself,’ she say. ‘I want to know everything.’

  ‘Dear,’ Lama Gyatsho say to her. ‘I do not understand.’

  ‘About you,’ she very insisting. ‘I want to know about you.’

  ‘I am a monk,’ he say, and Anna say, yes, he is her guru but he never say how he feel about things.

  ‘Guru an idea,’ say Lama Gyatsho. ‘Not me actually. This “me” just to remind you of the guru, help you check out Buddha nature, things like that.’

  Then she say, his country invaded, people tortured and ask what he think about that. ‘You must have some feelings about it?’ she say. Feelings, you see? Always Anna talk about feelings.

  ‘Yes,’ Lama Gyatsho tell her. ‘The nature of existence is suffering. Nothing is constant, illness, old age and death—can’t avoid. No permanent happiness can be found in this world.’

  At that point Anna took on the aspect of anger. ‘That is just dharma talk.’

  Lama Gyatsho nodded. Of course he agree. ‘Dharma talk.’

  ‘How do you f. e. e. l.,’ she make her voice louder. Anna often thought if she talk more loudly we will have better understanding.

  Lama Gyatsho say it is very important to feel love, at all times, for all sentient being. Not just mother father friends. But neutrals also, you know, and enemies. Anna impatient then, stand up to go, but Lama Gyatsho wave at her: sit down, sit down. He always very good at understanding the western mind.

  He say: ‘When I was a small boy I want to run, like you know,’—flap his arms like a bird, Lama Gyatsho very funny man [laughs], ‘be flying monk. I want to get cracking. But small boy, you know,’ [sound of slapping to indicate monk hitting the dust] ‘like that. Yes. Then I have what you call a feeling. Feeling is Anger,’ Lama Gyatsho say that. ‘But no help!’ [loud thump] ‘No help with running, no help with nothing. Anyway, feeling gone,’ [flicking sound] ‘like that. So no point to get upset about it.’

  One time Anna get too angry. That was the only time that we consider leaving the villa. This is what happened. Anna always trying to explain to us about poetry, and how important it is.

  ‘Poetry opens up the words,’ she say. ‘Gives them meaning. It helps you see things.’

  Maybe poetry is nice, Lama Gyatsho say, but not necessary.

  ‘Silence,’ I tell her, ‘will show you more.’

  ‘I am sick of your kaka,’ she say. Actually, she used the English word. ‘Shit’. For a woman, to talk to a teacher like that was…’ [long pause] ‘…very bad karma.’

  Lama Gyatsho very patient. He tell her, ‘You will see, no hurry. You know what is more important? Walking! Not just little stroll, no, I don’t mean that. Walking that takes months. Up and down. Across borders. Not many people walk so far to be together. It is our karma. To walk. To be here together now.’ That was an excellent teaching that Lama Gyatsho gave. ‘Your mind and your heart is invaded by anger, dear. That is what is happening. But you have a…hmmm…project and you continue, you keep the meditative techniques with gradually more and more success. Fail many times, but still try. Over some years the rising anger becomes very rare. Even if crisis, doesn’t last. These are signs of development. Gradually you reach total cessation of the delusions. Like that, you see?’

  So—I am telling you about the difficulties, but also important to show you Anna quite special in some ways, even at that time before she has received many teachings. Here is an example. One day Anna was with us and we were with special teacher. A highly realised being. No need to give name. He had a big pile of texts next to his bed, and she said, ‘Please read us something from those.’ Normally you don’t ask like that! Anyway, that’s what she said, and our teacher replied, ‘No, no, no. I know nothing, I know nothing.’ Perhaps he thought it best to show the aspect of the ordinary monk. Not the deities or esoteric realisations or things like that. There was a western saying Anna taught us: don’t judge a book by its cover. Our teacher like that. Can’t be judged by his cover. Then he gave some unbelievably profound teachings. Anna’s motivation was very good, very sincere, so perhaps that was why she got such strong transmissions. Also she had much life experience, she knew a lot about suffering. A lot about samsara. Actually, according to one teacher, Anna realised emptiness directly in this lifetime. Just in one lifetime.

  Okay. Now I tell you about how Anna decide to become a nun. Why she commit to the three precious jewels. One morning very early—bang!—loud knock at the door. Anna open and two American men standing there. Standing wearing suits.

  Too early for visitors, Anna tell them.

  The younger one speak, very serious. Call her [laughs] ‘ma’am’—I love it how Americans say that word. Ma…am—say they come from the CIA. Crazy.

  Anna let them in and then stand there, in the hallway. The men uncomfortable because actually Anna had no clothes under her fur coat. Very bad, that fur. Skin of a sentient being. They asked her many questions very quickly, so quickly we can’t follow what they say. They look at feet [laughs] and ask questions.

  Actually, Anna not following so well either, she ask them to explain: ‘So you are saying to me that because I am Russian, and because Russians are communists, and because Russia is near China and China is near here—so I am a spy?’ She says she lived in America longer than ever lived in Russia. She say she hate Stalin, and his communism.

  Then the CIA man talk about when she went to Bhutan and Anna tell him about her friend, the queen. ‘She’s American—I suppose you think she is spy?’

  The men looked surprised at that. Then they looked at us, standing there like we also a big surprise. Maybe they think we are all communists.

  ‘So, you’ve been following me?’ say Anna. Then sh
e light a cigarette and does this thing, very disrespectful. Blows smoke right in face. ‘You know everything, I suppose. You know all the men I…’—well, I don’t say what word she used—‘You know of the Buddha I worship? You know what my daughter has for breakfast?’

  Men just tell her they speak to the authorities, permit cancelled, give her twenty-four hours to leave Darjeeling.

  Anna go crazy then. She used many swear words very loudly. So many there was no part of what she said to the men that I can repeat. [laughs] Ana-Sofia came out of her room. We go to her. The men walk down the street saying, ‘Twenty-four hours, ma’am,’ and tell her they come back next morning to take her to the train. Then Anna crying very loudly.

  ‘What will I do?’ she ask us. ‘What will I do?’

  Lama Gyatsho very happy about all this. [claps] ‘This is marvellous!’ he explain to Anna. ‘First, you must take vacation for a few weeks. Maybe get some of this samsara out of your system. Work on your spiritual soup, you know. Krishnamurti, Blavatsky, Ceylonese witches maybe, whatever. Then, we will meet you in Dharamsala. Maybe three months from now, maybe six.’

  She want to know why Dharamsala and Lama Gyatsho say, ‘Now is the time for you to become a nun.’

  Anna stop crying. ‘Do you think, perhaps, that is a little unrealistic?’

  Actually, I am surprised also. But guru always right. Lama Gyatsho sees the light in her, her Buddha nature. He give big smile when Anna asked if he is sure. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Not sure at all. But I think: why not?’

  Before Anna left we gave special teaching. Mainly Lama Gyatsho, but me also. We told her she had a lot to check out in the next few months. Maybe think about spiritual commitment. Maybe have boyfriends if she needs that, because after she becomes a nun, no go. All that will stop. Must come to her decision with good heart. Most important, for all this, is that she understand emptiness. We think something is happiness but it gets less and less. Hard to hold onto. Therefore it is suffering but label is pleasure. This is why we must analyse emptiness. We may dream we win lottery, have limousine, get big apartment with swimming pool. Then wake up, all gone—okay, we see it is illusion. But what if you are dreaming and you think it is all true? Exactly like that. In reality all the phenomena, including the self, are empty. Totally empty. Does not mean that they do not exist—but they do not exist from their own side. So, anyway, this is just to inform. To think there is inherent existence is ignorant. Wrong view. Very important obstacle. This is the root of all sufferings. This is the important thing: mind must recognise dream is dream.